A Mother’s Testimony

by Lori Cunningham

Ahhh Mother’s Day.  Mother’s Day is my third favorite holiday (Christmas and Easter are my

top 2).  Mother’s Day is a day I relish because of the great joy my children bring to me.  I am so thankful for them and to God for blessing me with my little angels.  Along time ago, I remember waking up one morning and feeling like my heart was singing.  It was that moment I knew that I was ready for children.

The Best Laid Plans….

I began thinking of names and figuring out which characters we would put up on the walls in the room I had set aside for the baby.  There was only one problem, I wasn’t getting pregnant.  Hmmm, that’s not how life and planning out your life is supposed to work.  No worries, it will happen.  Two years later, nothing happened.  And so the journey of infertility had laid its course.

For a couple of years we went through artificial insemination and in-vitro.  I remember seeing pictures of in-vitro on TV as a kid…a baby made in a petri dish…and I thought how sad, how scientific.  All of a sudden, I was one of those people putting hope in this scientific approach.

Needles Anyone?

It’s only by God’s grace that I made it through the whole ordeal.  Sticking myself with needles, rushing unmarked brown bags to the laboratory, and praying endlessly that this expensive, highly emotional venture would end soon.  We paid ahead of time for two in-vitro attempts.  The first attempt resulted in 8 embryos.  After a lot of prayer, I opted for all 8 embryos to be inserted.  Now mind you, today, you probably couldn’t do that for fear of becoming the next octuplet mom.  I couldn’t bear the thought of any of those embryos being destroyed one day.

Elation to Deflation

After the insertion, I went straight back to work and tried not to think about it too much.  A number of weeks later we were so excited to hear that I was pregnant!  Woohoo!  I can remember feeling so overfilled with joy.  I saw the doctor every week and was elated to hear our baby’s heartbeat.  The 9 week check-up was special because it would be the day I “graduated” from the specialist and could see a normal (less expensive) OB/GYN.  I was over-the-top excited to see the doctor on that day.  As normal, he turned on the ultrasound and began looking for the heartbeat…which was always so melodic to me.  Screeeeeeetch!  My world stopped as I heard the Dr. say, “I can’t find a heartbeat.”  I asked him to keep trying.  With his second confirmation, I found myself in a deep tunnel.  I stared straight ahead, motionless.  After all of those years of trying, we finally had gotten pregnant.  Now we lost our beautiful child.

I’m sure many of you can relate to this.  You are at a total high and then the carpet gets ripped out from under you.  I refused to have the baby extracted.  I was still numb and needed time to grieve.  I wanted my body to discharge our baby naturally.  Unfortunately, after two weeks, this still hadn’t happened and I needed to go in for a D&C.  I’ll never forget that day.  They tried to play Andrea Bocelli to sooth me.  To this day, I can’t listen to his beautiful music.

Round Two

The second round of in-vitro was tougher.  I waited about 4 months until I was more emotionally ready to try again.  Even still, I didn’t have a lot of hope and anticipation – which is what used to make the needles and discomfort more palatable.  Once again, we inserted a high number of embryos, five,  this time.  I remember feeling very thankful that we were  blessed with many eggs during both in-vitro’s.

I busied myself with different activities so I wouldn’t constantly worry as to 1.) whether I would get pregnant and 2.) if I did, would it end up in miscarriage again.  As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about either one.  The 5 embryos didn’t take.   Sigh.  I couldn’t bear to take on any more in-vitro’s.  Emotionally, I was spent.

Adoption?

The thought of open adoption gave me new hope.  My heart longed to love and care for a child, even several children.  We began down this path, prepared ahead of time knowing that there would likely be heartbreak ahead here too;  not being chosen right away, seeing our friends in the adoption program being chosen over us, having a birthmother choose us than dropping out at the last moment, etc.

We worked diligently on our “Letter to the Birthmother,” home study, getting fingerprinted, and reading our mandatory books on how to be a good parent.  We filled out mountains of paperwork.

Stepping Out in Faith

In the meanwhile, after years of prayers, I felt like I finally had gotten an answer from God.  Basically, he told me to quit my corporate job, that I loved, and had been at for 12 years.  What?  My job?  It was my escape from the emotions of my personal life.  Did He really mean for me to quit?  It took me 3 months to obey Him.

The hardest part about being out of work and not having kids as my reason for staying home was the question “What do you do?”  Ughh.  No matter how many times I was asked that question, I never seemed to have an answer.  I simply replied, “I do nothing.”  To my dismay, people reacted with, “wow, how great would that be!”  Hmmm, I never thought of it that way.

A Sudden Surprise

Two and a half months later, while finishing the last of my mountain of paperwork for the adoption agency, I had a whim to go waste another pregnancy test.  I couldn’t believe my eyes!  I was pregnant…naturally!  I remember going downstairs to tell my husband.  I opened my mouth and said, “I…” and then I just babbled and slobbered all over him.  He was startled, having never seen me this way before.  He didn’t know if he should rush me to the hospital or just stay there and comfort me.  When I finally got the words out, he was even more startled!  After nearly 5 years of trying, we sat there dismayed but with incredible happiness.  God had answered our prayers in His timing.

Let me tell you, I was a nervous Nellie the first 9 weeks…I breathed a sigh of relief after the 9 week check-up.  Then I continued as a nervous Nelly up until our beautiful healthy girl was born.  Wow.  What a miracle indeed.  In some ways I am thankful for the years of infertility.  They gave me so much more appreciation for finally having the opportunity to give birth to God’s creation.

God blessed again nearly 3 years later with my son.  Next to my husband, my children are the light of my life.  I am so

grateful for them and the honor to raise them as children of God.

So, this Mother’s Day, I’ll be spending it with my family.  I’m looking forward to my kids’ homemade cards, a Baskin-Robbin’s cake, and home movies and recounting my kids’ birth stories and how special they are to us.

Happy Mother’s Day! Enjoy the time with your moms and your families.  Hug them a little tighter this year, for you are truly blessed.

Images source:  Microsoft Office