This article is first in our popular repeated series of three articles geared towards educating parents and helping them to set limits on the phones they “lend” their tweens and teens.
Thinking of giving your child a phone? What should you know before your child first turns on his/her phone for the first time? We liken a child’s first cellphone to driving for the first time. Educating your child and giving him/her limits before s/he starts using a cellphone (or driving) is important to help “steer” him/her clear of potential pitfalls and accidents.
Education
First and foremost, giving your child a phone is one of those “rites of passage” in life. It’s probably the first major item of considerable value your child has ever been responsible for. S/he will be responsible for keeping it charged each day (so they can use it), keeping it from being dropped, maintaining storage space (so they can add more photos and apps!), and keeping it secure so it doesn’t get stolen. If you are not sure your child can do these things, you may want to wait a little longer until they are more responsible.
But responsibility for the phone is only a part of the equation. What matters far more is how they handle their interactions with the phone. Kids use phones to text messages to each other, chat with other through apps, look up videos and music, send email’s, watch movies, and of course take pictures. But, according to physiologists, their online life becomes an extension of their identity and who they are.
Children will test their communities of “friends” to gain followers, respect, acceptance, or to show-off. Your child may be exhibiting these behaviors or be on the receiving end of someone else’s aggressive behavior. Teach your child about some of the dangers of the Internet BEFORE your child becomes embroiled in one.
Talk to Your Kids About:
- Bullying – What to do if someone bullies him/her and suggestions of what to do if s/he notices someone else is bullying another child
- Followers or Friends? Teach your child about online predators and how they look for identifying information such as a child’s interests and school to become their friend. Are they a friend or a predator? Just because someone is a friend of a friend online, doesn’t mean they are safe. Encourage your child to stick with friends they know in person-only online.
- Teenage Issues – There’s no doubt if your child doesn’t have issues, his/her friends will. Your child may come across drug use/abuse, suicidal thoughts, plans to run away, someone talking about harming themselves or other, etc. Help your kids handle their responses in these interactions.
Education doesn’t stop after you give your child a phone. Continue to look online or to the news to find new topics to discuss with your child.
A Contract Before Giving Your Child a Phone
Before you give your child a phone, have him/her sign a contract. The contract should specify ownership of the phone. I recommend that the parent retain ownership of the phone. State that the child is responsible for the phone, but the parent can take it away at any time. To avoid this from happening, the child must abide by the rules in the contract.
Specify in the contract some examples of when the phone will be taken away so the child is knowledgeable of what his/her actions may cause. There are multiple contracts available online, but I recommend you download one and amend it to personalize with your own limits and consequences.
Escalating Responsibility
Your child will never be as open to listening to your phone advice and guidelines than BEFORE s/he receives his/her first phone. Take advantage of this. Teach responsibility and control by not opening the floodgates all at once. Limit their interactions on the phone in the beginning and ease up as the “thrill” of the phone dies down and they show responsibility.
Some Suggestions to Limit the Phone’s Usage at First:
- Allow texting only to family members. As they show responsibility, begin allowing 1-2 more friends at a time.
- Ensure parental approval is obtained before downloading any apps.
- Start with shorter curfew hours – phone must be charged in the central family charging station by 7 pm each night. Eventually, as your child shows responsibility, you can make this time later.
- Initially, your child cannot sign up for any social media sites such as Snapchat, twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Kik, WhatsApp, etc. As your child shows responsibility, begin adding one social media channel at a time. Monitor what s/he posts there as well as who their “friends” are. Be sure to check their direct messages as well.
- Limit the number of texts your child can send each month. You might need to do this anyways dependent upon your mobile plan charges. Did you know that the average teen sends 3,339 texts a month???? Though keep in mind, kids often “text” more through apps so parents can’t see them. A teen’s most popular choice for “texting?” Snapchat because the messages disappear after they’ve been viewed.
- Start your child off with a basic phone. Phone calls and texting are a great start. If you want to give a basic phone with apps on it, that’s fine too. But don’t start them off with an expensive, most teen-coveted phone. Let them show they are responsible first with the basic phone before you begin upgrading them.
It is important to set limits before giving your child a phone. Remember, a cellphone is like the Wild Wild West – it’s a huge fun new area of life to explore and interact with. Once you open this world up, it’s much harder to lasso your child back in. Start smaller and expand with proven responsibility.
Parental Monitoring
Parental monitoring of your child’s phone use, texts, and social media channels are imperative. You may have the best, well-behaved child on the planet, but once they are on the Internet, they will come across many kids…and adults…who aren’t so well-behaved.
Looking over social media interactions, app use, and texts will give you insight into what your child may be going through and isn’t telling you. It also gives you the opportunity to identify things like bullying, odd behavior, and other inappropriate things so you can help walk your child through these issues.
For our top recommended parental monitoring apps, see our article, Why Parental Apps are Necessary.
Centralized Charging
We recommend that all family devices be charged in one centralized area. Each child should have their own space downstairs to charge their phone/tablets at. If a child misplaced or lost their phone, this is one way to ensure you know about it so you can work together to find it and retrace his/her steps.
Centralized charging prevents texting, video chatting, web surfing, or watching videos in their bedrooms when you think they are sleeping. And of course, a centralized charging station allows you to easily monitor your kids’ phones when you want to.
There is a lot to think about before you give your child a phone. Laying out rules and expectations makes transitioning to more responsibility easier.
Looking for more great tips? See our previous articles Teens and Cellphones Primer which offers more in-depth info. on phone etiquette, sexting, and more.
Next week we will cover Buying your Tween’s First Phone – What To Know.
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These are all such great suggestions. My oldest is about to be 10 and I know that soon she’ll have her first phone. I imagine in another year, by the time she enters middle school.